I have been blessed with being both Appalachian and Southern and I wouldn’t trade either of those identities for all the maple syrup in Vermont, and I am a big fan of maple syrup, so that’s saying something coming from me. More complicated, I often get asked if I am a hillbilly. In fact, in one of our last Real Appalachia YouTube videos, Melody asked me if I consider myself to be a hillbilly. Being a hillbilly isn’t necessarily an automatic distinction you’re born into, so I had to ask myself – what is a hillbilly? How does one qualify to be a hillbilly?

I decided to get to the bottom of this question, once and for all. The first place I went for answers? Google, of course. Wouldn’t ya just know, Google had plenty of answers. The first answer I went to described a hillbilly this way:

“If you refer to someone as a hillbilly, you are saying in a fairly rude way that you think they are uneducated and unsophisticated because they come from the countryside.” (collinsdictionary.com)

A second website offered this:

“There is no shortage of hillbilly images in American popular culture. Whether a barefoot, rifle-toting, moonshine-swigging, bearded man staring out from a floppy hat or a toothless granny in homespun sitting at a spinning wheel and peering suspiciously at strangers from the front porch of a dilapidated mountain cabin, the hillbilly, in all his manifestations, is instantly recognizable.” (encyclopediaofarkansas.net)

I don’t really like either of those definitions very much. I don’t see anything about either of those descriptions that I would say are positive or flattering.

Now, having said that, I do qualify as a hillbilly under some of their qualifications. I would consider myself unsophisticated. I just looked up and down at myself sitting here at my laptop writing this piece and I see that my clothes don’t match and my t-shirt is just a little bit too snug for my belly. I would say that alone could qualify me as unsophisticated so I won’t waste any more time on that one. I do, however, have a college degree so I wouldn’t say I am totally uneducated.

As for the second description, I am not much on going barefoot personally. I think that goes back to my mom instilling a fear of tetanus in me at a young age. I was afraid of stepping on a rusty nail and then developing lockjaw or “tha lockjaw” as I would more than likely have said it. So, going barefoot is a big no for me. Strike one.

Rifle-toting? Yes, I have toted a rifle plenty of times in my life. I had a pretty nice rifle collection at one time, but a good old-timey divorce caused that collection to go up in smoke. I am not bitter though. I still have a few pistols I have accumulated over the years since the loss of my rifles. I do occasionally miss my .303 British Enfield, it was the cheapest rifle I had, but it was deadly accurate. Oh well, my eyesight ain’t what it used to be anyways so I need to just let it all go and move on with life. I will just leave it at saying I would definitely tote a rifle if I could afford one but those things are pretty dadgum expensive these days.

Bearded? Well, I most certainly have facial hair and, try as I may, it doesn’t grow out to a full “Duck Dynasty” beard that I would love to have. Sadly, at a certain point mine is so splotchy and patchy that a body might think I have the red mange. As much as the red mange ain’t a good look for dogs, it looks even worse on the human male face. I speak from experience.

Floppy hat? Oddly enough, I just bought a floppy straw hat that I absolutely love so I can check this box wholeheartedly.

I am not a woman nor a grandmother, nor do I identify as one or whatever you need to say to cover yourself these days so I will move along…

I absolutely do peer suspiciously at strangers from my front porch and you should too. It is a dangerous world out here. I miss the good old days when you could leave your door open and all you had to worry about was getting tetanus from stepping on a rusty nail, but those days are sadly long gone. Why, these days you might even have a stranger pull up into your yard and dump out a box of rusty nails just to try to get you.

I prefer to call my house a modest little home on a small patch of land instead of a dilapidated mountain cabin, but to each their own.

In the end, Google ended up not being a whole lot of help. After I total all my points up, it appears I am sitting at about 50-60% hillbilly according to their definitions. I have never heard of someone being a half-bred hillbilly and I wouldn’t settle for that anyways. I am more of an all-or-nothing type of fella. I need to find more proof that I am a hillbilly…but how and where?

As I sit here typing and looking around the room, I see I have not one but two moonshine jugs on display for decorations. I may or may not (but definitely do) have hidden away a mason jar filled with a clear liquid that is great for remedying the symptoms of a cold. I have pictures of a coal tipple and another of an old barn hanging on my walls. I am still not totally satisfied that I qualify to be a hillbilly. I have two Bibles in my living room and I read somewhere that hillbillies are God-fearing, so that is a plus for me.

In my kitchen, I have a drawer totally dedicated to holding my bags from Walmart and Dollar General that I use to line my bathroom waste basket and to use as my lunchbox for work. On a side note, I prefer to use the Dollar General bags for toting food and drinks. It seems to be more durable and has that nice yellow color to it that is more eye-catching.

I have two half gallon glass jugs that used to hold blackberry cider. You don’t get nice glass jugs everyday, so I plan on reusing them someday. It is just that someday hasn’t come in the last 5+ years I have had them.

I have a bottle of apple cider vinegar because it is good for literally everything. Everybody needs some apple cider vinegar in their kitchen, just trust me on that one. 90% of the worlds ailments would be cured if everyone had a bottle of apple cider vinegar and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

Three of my four chairs at the kitchen table match. The other one kinda looks like the other three, so I am good with it. It takes a pretty discerning eye to notice the one had some different design to it, but the color is pretty darn close. The oddball one happens to be my daughter’s favorite chair because it is smooth and doesn’t have little knobs that raise up and bump her legs. All in all, that worked out pretty good for me.

I have a metal “Moon Pie” sign hanging in my kitchen as well.

I have a quart of apple butter in a mason jar that is getting pretty low. Man, I kick myself for not getting one more quart, but I was thought I could stretch this one out a little bit further. I should have known I am powerless to stop myself from eating apple butter so that one is on me.

I have an empty bottle of Mothman root beer for decorations. I am not sure if that makes me a hillbilly or just weird.

I have an oil lantern filled and ready to go sitting right beside my sink, just in case the power goes out and the batteries in my flashlight happen to go dead too. You can’t be too prepared for generating light.

I have a picture of Jesus that I used to see in my Sunday school when I was a little boy, but I can’t figure out where to hang it and, also, am not sure if hanging Jesus in the kitchen is disrespectful or if I should put it in a more prominent place.

Anyways, I will rest my case now. I think I have proven my hillbilly credentials at this point. Oh, sure, I could go to my bedrooms and my garage and say what is in them, but I think that would just be showing off at this point, I have proven enough. I sure don’t want to be accused of being a showboat about my hillbilly heritage.

I guess I said allllllllll that to say this. There really isn’t a test you can pass or a bloodline that makes you a hillbilly. Hillbilly is where the heart is and my heart is in the hills. If that makes me unsophisticated and uneducated then I guess that’s ok too, just leave me and my shoes-wearin’, half-bearded, pistol-packin’, floppy hat-lovin’ self alone or I guess I will stare at you suspiciously from the front porch of my modest home…ya hear?